"Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for your interest in remaining my parents. Below is a list of my demands.
The Toddler Contract
1. For breakfast, there will be only milk from my sippy cup while I'm watching television (see Section II).
2. From breakfast until what you probably call lunch, I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.
3. For lunch I will eat yogurt. Anything containing fruit on the bottom will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground or else will throw it up on your carpet.
a. So no fruit on the bottom.
4. For lunch until dinner I will enjoy having something to lick. Why not a lollipop? Why not seven?
a. Between licks, I may place the lollipop on your
grandmother's Turkish rug. This will be ok by you.
5. For dinner I will have macaroni and cheese. Any attempts to give me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in tears.
a. And don't you hide anything in the cheese sauce, because, my God, how you will rue the day.
6. After dinner, you may provide me with ice cream.
a. No frozen yogurt. Trust me, I know the difference.
1. The TV will be on all the time, unless I say differently. You are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, will I watch my shows.
a. You may arise to fetch me a snack.
2. No diaper changing or pleas to engage in physical activity will be tolerated during watching of television.
3. Turning off the television will result in much kicking and screaming.
1. There will be many.
a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.
b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small pieces. I enjoy shooting noises that go w-shoooop! or zim zim zim.
c. Nothing that results in any type of learning, please.
1. They should be available whenever I'm in the mood to use someone else's toys or ingest someone else's cookies.
a. These friends may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.
b. Ever, ever, ever.
1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep upside down with my legs locked around your neck, then that's how it will be.
a. And you will enjoy it.
1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress occasionally.
2. I will not be pelted with wet mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to hug or kiss, you must provide me with a written request.
a. And then wait for me to offer my pudgy cheeks."
Signed: (fill in blank) XOXO